Why the Porsche Cayenne Coupe is Stupid

Now as a car lover, I’m perfectly willing to irrationally love any car that Porsche makes as any true car lover should, but come on, an SUV that they turned into a coupe? Do you remember how mad Porsche faithful were when they first heard of the regular Cayenne? This coming from Porsche seems just about as obscure as when Range Rover decided to make a drop top Evoque.


But enough with my bias, I am a sensible man who drives his Dad’s 2008 BMW 5 Series and allows people to think that it’s his. This is a no nonsense website, and I only write no nonsense articles.

The base version of the car has a listed 0-60 time of 5.7 seconds, 335 horsepower, as well as a top speed 150 mph. But that’s the base model, I realize that the average reader is much more wealthy and has the type of financial situation where they can afford the top of the line models, so let’s give you that facts you really want to know.

The top of the line Cayenne Turbo Coupe comes with a twin turbocharged V8 engine. It also has a much improved top speed of 177 mph all thanks to the boost of 541 sensible German horsepower. The Turbo also has a max wading depth of 20.8 inches as well as a fuel tank big enough to hold 23.7 gallons of moonshine or whatever flammable liquid you would like to use to power your Turbo. You may find these facts unrelated, but these are exactly the type of statistics that your average Porsche buyer would be interested in. I have given you the fact you desired, now time for my sensible analysis.

After pondering the purpose of this car for exactly 11 minutes, I came to a quick conclusion in my long and arduous journey. It is a car to be bought by morons and idiots. It is for what our neighbors across the pond would call “twits.” It is for the type of man who says, “Tom Brady? Now that’s a likable man” They type of individual that says, “Vegetables? Now that is something I would love to eat.” But mostly importantly, this cantankerous muttonhead (yes, that’s a real word) is exactly the same type of individual that would purchase a BMW X6. Firstly, if you are into the whole SUV thing, may I recommend the original Cayenne. The Cayenne Turbo has 550 horsepower (more than the coupe), the same number of cylinders in its engine, and most importantly, the exact same fuel tank to satisfy all your flammable liquid needs. The biggest difference? You do not look like a complete idiot when driving the regular Cayenne but instead almost like a sensible and respectable man. Let us not forget you chose this over the 911, but that is another important matter to be handled at a different time.


Those opposed to my statutory and well-founded claims may argue that the whole point of a coupe is that it looks better, and I agree. The Lexus LFA, Audi R8, Acura NSX, basically any Aston Martin: these are all examples of good looking coupes, but there is one catch. None of them are SUVs.

Porsche themselves do know their way around a coupe very well, but that in itself may be the most effective argument against these defenders of the Cayenne Coupe. Porsche also is extremely popular for a car they make called the 911. It is actually quite exquisite in every way and has been so for an extremely long time. If you’re a family man, do not worry, they also created something called the Panamera which ensures that you can enjoy yourself behind the wheel of an expensive Porsche without looking like a complete failure in life. So…the Porsche Cayenne Coupe…do we need it in this world already dominated by SUVs? I think not. Does that mean some idiot will still waste his well earned money on this vehicle? I’m afraid so.

Footnote:

I would just like to remind all my readers that these are solely my opinions, so please do not take them the wrong way. In truth, I am probably just as daft as the people who actually choose to buy this car, but I of course just have some differing opinions.

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